Many of us don’t realize how much time we spend or actually waste trying to prove our worthiness to others. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, regardless of your age, race, or educational background we all want to feel loved, accepted, and acknowledged for our contributions. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem lies when this becomes our only motivation behind what and why we engage.

We often hear stories of those who spent the majority of their lives pursuing a career because that’s what someone told them they should do. And rather than disappoint their loved one, they followed the path of most resistance to prove they were a good son/daughter, spouse, etc. They put someone else’s opinions before their own passion and intuition. When we read these stories, the question often asked is why would someone do that? Why would someone be solely driven by their need to prove someone wrong or right?

Well, here are 4 ways how we get stuck trying to prove ourselves to other people:

1. We don’t want to be labeled a failure

Oftentimes we will stay in jobs, relationships, partnerships etc. because we don’t want to feel like we failed. We don’t want to “look bad” to our parents, family, friends, or associates. No one likes to admit when they’re wrong or made a mistake especially if we went hard about the decision in the first place. We let the embarrassment and shame of our choices keep us pigeonholed in situations that may no longer be good for us. But staying stuck just to prove a point is way more damaging to our self-esteem than walking away. Being able to admit when we’ve jumped the gun develops our character and keeps us humble. At the end of the day, all we’ve done is prove that we’re human. Remember, there are no losses, only lessons!

2. We say yes or over commit

Busy is a drug that a lot of people are addicted to” -Rob Bell. Ah yes! We live in a culture that seems to have an utter disdain for stillness. But seasons of quietude is when we often receive the most clarity and direction. We’ve become accustomed to believing though if you’re not constantly busy doing something then obviously you are not being productive. But being busy does not necessarily equate to success. However, we’ve been conditioned to say yes to things we probably shouldn’t in hopes it will be our opportunity to gain the approval or respect of those we love or admire. This idea keeps many of us overextended and burnt out. The goal is not to be busy but purposeful. Trust me, when you begin to show up not just for someone to see that you’re there but start showing up because there is a divine purpose for you being there, you will go a lot further faster.

3. We say no and never commit

So on the flip-side of the coin, some of us get trapped trying to prove we don’t need anyone so we say no or never commit to anything. But no man is an island. We all need mentors, good counsel, great connections, and willing workers to get to where we want to go. Don’t let your pride have you trying to prove you can do it on your own. 

4. We Refuse to Forgive

Now I would have to say this is the most powerful one of them all. Lack of forgiveness is probably the number one motivation behind proving ourselves to others. We’ve all had situations in our lives where we’ve felt overlooked, unappreciated, or underestimated. And when that comes from those we love, respect, or admire it can be downright devastating. The pain of being undervalued usually sends us into a space of “I’ll show them.” After you “show them” and they don’t respond/react the way you hoped, you’ll still feel empty and unfulfilled. So FORGIVE them! Whoever it was, let it go. Move on because I’m sure they have.

So what’s motivating you? Don’t waste your time and energy pursuing things just to prove somebody wrong or right. At the end of the day, your life and those you’re trying to prove something to more than likely could care less. Your purpose here on earth is greater than getting someone’s approval. Don’t second guess who you are and your ability to accomplish your God-ordained destiny. Stay divinely connected to your true calling and everything else will fall in place. That is how you live a truly free and abundant life.

AFFIRM DAILY: I LOVE AND APPROVE OF MYSELF. I AM WORTHY & I AM ENOUGH.

Reese LaFrances Purnell

Founder/CEO, Black Women Professionals League